Death in Judaism and Sitting Shiva

Death in Judaism comes with specific guidelines and practices, much like every other aspect of the religion.  When a Jewish person dies, their immediate family (parents, spouse, and children) “sit shiva” following the funeral.  It is customary to bury the person (cremation is not allowed) and hold a funeral as soon as possible after the death occurs.  Once the person is buried, shiva begins.

Sitting shiva means that the immediate family will literally sit in their home (or one of the family members’ homes) for 7 days, not going outside, and in a complete state of mourning.  They rip their clothing, do not shave or get their haircut or go to work, and sit on stools or chairs closer to the ground.  These very outward forms of mourning are meant to help mirror the natural inner-feelings of mourning that they are experiencing.  Friends and family come and visit the mourners, bringing them food and words of comfort.  It’s customary to greet the mourner with something like “May you be comforted with the mourners of Zion.”

If you’re going to someone’s shiva, just being there means a huge amount to the mourner.  Don’t worry so much about what you’re going to wear or say (although if you want to try to be sensitive to dress, check out some guidelines here even though I highly doubt your Jewish friend is expecting you to show up dressed a particular way).  Just show your support, greet them with your condolences, and listen to stories they have to share about their loved one.

When the seven days of shiva end, the family literally gets up from sitting and walks around the block outside.  There are other time designations of mourning to help you adjust back into normal life.  After shiva, there’s something called “Shloshim,” meaning 30 or the first 30 days after the death.  There are laws of mourning in this time; they can now go to work, but they wouldn’t go to a party and they still won’t shave or cut their hair.  When shloshim ends, mourning ends for everyone except those mourning a parent.

If you’re mourning a parent, the mourning period lasts one year.  The laws are less limiting than shloshim.  Again, it’s helping you adjust back into the world from the devastating loss of a loved one.  Once the year is up, you’re no longer considered a mourner.  Finally, there’s something called a “yahrzeit” which is the anniversary of someone’s death, in which it’s customary to say a special mourner’s prayer and remember your loved one.