Shomer Negiah
Did you know that men and women aren’t supposed to touch each other at all in Orthodox Judaism unless they’re married? They’re not even supposed to shake hands or hug. This is called being shomer negiah (which translates to “guarding touch”). You can obviously hug your siblings, parents, and children, but aside from your immediate family and spouse, relationships between those of the opposite sex, whether in the workplace, socially, or otherwise, do not include any touching, not even a handshake. That also means that the first time a husband and wife are supposed to have any physical contact is at their wedding.
Being shomer negiah actually has everything to do with the laws of touching within marriage and very little to do with whether or not you choose to touch a person you’re dating before you’re married or a friend of the opposite sex, even though is has massive implications for those interactions. I think of being shomer negiah as more of an effect rather than a cause, because the laws are rooted in (what I find to be beautiful) family purity laws that Orthodox Jewish couples observe within marriage [*you can read more about them here]. Touch is in many ways considered to be sacred, and it is reserved for very special relationships.
One of my favorite parts about being shomer negiah is that people often have super awkward engagement photos (because you can’t touch your future spouse until you’re married). I’m going to throw my sister under the bus on this one, and share this gem. (It happens that her and her now-husband are both very good-looking and they had a great photographer, so their engagement photos are gorgeous. The no-touching, though, can be very funny sometimes). My personal favorite awkward shomer negiah engagement photo pose is where the future bride and groom pose with a tree in the middle. You’re not fooling anybody. That’s what I think about that.
From a personal standpoint, the idea of being shomer negiah is something I struggle with, as having grown up with many friends of the opposite sex and in a community where touch (especially a handshake) really means nothing, to tell some of my close friends that I won’t give them a hug anymore when I say hello seems very weird and almost unfair to them. Some rabbis or religious people would read that and respond, “Melody, that’s the whole point. Touch has become so meaningless in secular American society and people are desensitized to it, and we have a responsibility to fight against that trend.”
I hear it; I just have very mixed feelings about it. I live in a community where it’s assumed that I’m shomer negiah based on how I dress, and that’s totally fine with me. I think being shomer negiah has its pros when you implement it on a societal level, but because I grew up in a society where that wasn’t the norm, I think it’s just a little bit more complicated. With that said, I’m not shomer negiah at this point in my life. Maybe that will change, but that’s where I’m at right now. I have many friends who have been shomer negiah all of their lives or who took it on later in life and derive much beauty and fulfillment from it. If you’re curious to learn more about this aspect of Orthodox Jewish life, I will gladly put you in touch with someone else who could share a different perspective on it.
