Marriage in Judaism
We’ve already talked about Jewish weddings. They’re a whole lot of fun, but the true incredible beauty lies far after the dancing is over. Laws surrounding marriage in Judaism are extensive, address the most intimate details of life, and in my opinion, are incredibly rich in value and perspective on what creates a happy, healthy, loving marriage.
Family Purity Laws, Niddah, Mikvah, and Intimacy
The biggest bombshell when it comes to explaining the laws applicable to marriage in Judaism is that there are times when a man and wife are forbidden from intimacy. It’s a sometimes-on, sometimes-off system. Here’s how it works. Orthodox Jewish married couples observe the Laws of Taharat HaMishpacha (the Laws of Family Purity). Two thousand years ago, when the Second Temple stood in Jerusalem, there were all sorts of purity laws in practice. Without a Temple, though, this is the only system of purity laws that remains (and it’s run by the women!! I think that’s super cool).
Women can have two different spiritual statuses: tahara and tumah. People translate them to “pure” and “impure,” but given the context of those words in English, they’re terrible translations. Neither is good or bad; they’re just different. Let me explain. When a woman gets her period, she goes into “niddah” (pronounced nee-dah) and is thus “ritually impure” (again, terrible translation). In order to become “ritually pure” again, she immerses in a mikvah (a ritual bath), and thus her spiritual status changes back. You can’t immerse in a mikvah until there have been 7 clean days after your period ended. (Just to give some perspective, your period is not the only thing that can make you become niddah. A woman becomes niddah the moment her water breaks in childbirth, too, and obviously childbirth is a great and encouraged thing. Just some reinforcement that being “ritually impure” is not bad. More on this later.)
Once the 7th clean day after your period comes, you have a “mikvah night.” It is a super awesome cross between a spa day, mommy-time, and your wedding night, where you take time to wash completely, soaking in a bath, cutting your nails, flossing your teeth, and so on, to prepare to immerse in the mikvah. You immerse without any clothing on and say a special blessing (and any other prayers you might have), as it’s a very holy, private time. It’s believed that you’re bathing in the waters of creation, and you immerse with a feeling of renewal. I find it so beautiful. Many mikvahs are really beautiful and look like a spa. It’s then customary to have a special, nice date with your husband after you finish up at the mikvah. I love that the Jewish calendar has special time carved out for mommies (or wives) to have some “me time”.
The big thing to know about all the laws surrounding niddah (and impurity/purity stuff) is that a husband and wife do not touch and engage in intimacy while a woman is in niddah. This is a time to enhance spiritual and emotional rather than physical closeness, and a husband and wife even sleep in separate beds (albeit in the same room) during this period. (While in theory, that means that husbands have two-weeks-on, two-weeks-off based on the length of a period plus the 7 clean days, a woman usually isn’t in niddah for much of her marriage- when she’s pregnant, a lot of the time that she’s nursing, after menopause- so over the course of your marriage, you actually aren’t in niddah super often).
The whole not-touching thing creates a whole added layer to mikvah nig
ht: it’s a literal time of renewal, of a husband and wife reconnecting physically. People say that your mikvah night is like your wedding night all over again. It makes touch in marriage exciting and not something to be taken for granted. Some argue that it helps to create healthier and more exciting sexual relationships decades into marriage, and some would even argue that it leads to lower instances of cheating. Can I prove that? For sure not, but I still think it’s a nice set of laws.
The laws of not touching during niddah are actually where the whole Shomer Negiah thing comes from (read about it here). Because a man cannot touch a woman who is in niddah, he just doesn’t touch any women aside from his wife, because it’s not like he’s going to go around asking married women if they’re on their period… Also, a woman goes to the mikvah for the first time right before her wedding, so from the moment that you get your first period until right before your wedding, you’re in niddah. (There’s a super liberal Orthodox movement of women who want to have premarital sex but do so within the bounds of Jewish law, and so they start going to the mikvah before they’re married. It’s controversial to say the least. It’s also a classic example of how legally based the Jewish religion is.)
Why Are Women “Ritually Impure” Sometimes?
This is one topic that could SO easily be misunderstood, so it’s important for me to explain it and explain it well. Being in niddah has nothing to do with being impure, dirty, unworthy, bad, or any other word you may typically associate with impurity. Not at all. Like I said, you start being in niddah when your water breaks in childbirth, and having a child is one of the most special, beautiful miracles in the entire world. It’s far from a bad or dirty thing… In fact, as these purity laws are the only remaining remnants of purity laws observed in Temple times, it is an incredible honor, privilege, and responsibility that women are charged with the continuance and observance of these laws. If anything, it’s empowering and highly advanced in the area of women’s rights and status.
The way it’s been explained to me, and I think it’s a beautiful explanation, is that being in niddah essentially has to do with one’s proximity to mortality and “lost potential”. In today’s society, it’s so easy to forget that having a period means that there was a potential for life that has been lost. It’s not a bad thing; women will and should get many periods in their life time. That said, a change in spiritual status is a way to recognize this loss of potential and to hold and recognize it. The same goes with childbirth. The birth of a child is the gift of a world into the universe. When that world enters the universe, though, it exits a woman’s body. It’s good! It’s supposed to! But for 9 months, a woman walked around with this incredible potential inside of her, and now her body no longer holds that potential. She enters the status of niddah.
Niddah is a natural thing, a status that reflects life’s realities and cycles, and it also serves as the foundation of a system of constant renewal in a marriage.
Values in Jewish Marriage
When a couple gets engaged, the man starts attending “hassan classes” (groom classes) and the woman starts attending “kallah classes” (bride classes). These are one-on-one classes with a mentor of the same sex, preparing each individual for marriage, from teaching them about the Jewish laws they will start observing, to the values surrounding marriage in Judaism.
Marriage in Judaism is founded on giving to one another. The 
word “love” in Hebrew is rooted in the word “to give.” Love is not about what a person can do for you. It’s about constantly giving to another person, putting effort into a relationship, working together to make someone else happy, and from that, growing together and knowing that your spouse too is always working to give to you and to make you happy. It’s a total team effort, and it needs constant work! There’s no such thing as “this isn’t good for me anymore” or “I fell out of love with him/her;” those just aren’t the paradigms in which we are taught to operate.
That’s not to say that Jewish husbands and wives are superstars all the time, never fight, always approach issues with perspective and maturity, and are constant giving machines- no one is perfect, and I don’t think anyone has “the secret to a perfect marriage” totally cracked. That said, I think our system holds much wisdom.
There’s a key Jewish value called “shalom bayit” or “peace in the home.” This is strongly stressed, especially to grooms about to be wed, and it means sometimes doing something you don’t like or want to do to keep a peaceful home. “Happy wife, happy life,” anyone? Shalom bayit is a two-way street, to be sure, and it’s important that both a husband and wife are respectful of each other, in addition to loving, to create a strong home.
Having many children is strongly encouraged in Orthodox Jewish homes. There’s an idea from the Torah that we are supposed to be fruitful and multiple; some interpret this to mean having as many kids as you can, some as having a boy and a girl, some just recognize that life is a miracle, and you should have a family-centered home. It varies by community. Not all communities use birth control, but many do (mine definitely does). Some have 10 or more kids. My circles would have more like 4-6. It really depends, obviously.
Daily Life in Marriage
Finally, here are some aspects of marriage you might see in an Orthodox Jewish home.
Hair Covering: I talked about it extensively in the section on dress, but once a woman gets married, she starts covering her hair, only showing it to her husband and other women. There are a few methods that women use to cover their hair. Some wear a “mitpachat” or “tichel” (a pretty scarf wrapped in a cool, pretty way). Some women wear a hat. A really common way to cover your hair is with a wig or “sheitel” (which is the Yiddish word). If you’ve ever seen religious Orthodox Jewish women, especially the ones wearing ankle-length skirts with husbands who have black hats, you probably didn’t realize, but I can essentially guarantee you that they were wearing wigs. (If you’re wondering how wearing a wig isn’t considered cheating, read my explanation on this by clicking here and scrolling down to the “hair covering” section).
Aishes Chayil: Every Friday night at our Shabbat dinner, before the meal the husband sings Proverbs 31 (about a Woman of Valor) to his wife, recognizing how amazing and awesome she is. My husband has a special tradition, taken from our rabbi, that he gives a short speech about how much he loves and appreciates me before singing it. Let’s just say it’s one of my highlights of the week.
Tough Questions
Divorce: With any discussion of marriage comes the question of divorce: is it allowed, and how does it work? In Judaism, divorce is certainly allowed, albeit discouraged if the marital problems are ones that can be worked out. For a couple to get divorced, a husband has to grant his wife something called a “Get,” which is a Jewish legal document saying that he approves of the divorce. A man who will not grant his wife a “get” creates a situation in which his wife cannot get remarried under Jewish life, because she is still “chained” to him. Women in this situation are called “Agunot.” When a man refuses to give his wife a “get,” he is supposed to be outcast from his community until he does so. In my personal opinion, this whole system of “gets” and “agunot” is the worst part of Judaism.
Gay Marriage: As long as we’re grappling with tough questions, this is an obvious place for questions of homosexuality to come up. There is pretty much no such thing as gay marriage within Orthodoxy (with few, very rare exceptions at the most liberal end of the spectrum). A Jewish marriage ceremony is explicitly designed for a man and woman, so it does not naturally lend itself to marrying two people of the same gender. Issues of homosexuality and Judaism are currently hot topics in the Modern Orthodox community, although less so in more traditional Orthodox communities. No matter where you fall in Orthodoxy, there is a foundational Jewish idea that all people were made in the image of G-d and merit being welcomed into a community and treated with respect. Beyond that, how homosexuality is handled is complicated and not simple for a community operating within a strict system of laws that only leave so much room for changing with the times.
