Dating in Judaism

I have to start off the “How Dating Works for Orthodox Jews” section with a disclaimer, because this is not at all how finding love worked for me.  I happened to meet my husband on a volunteer program before college when I was 18 years old, and I married him immediately upon graduating from college, 4 and a half years after that.  Most Orthodox Jews, however, meet their spouses through a matchmaker or “shadchan” who sets them up.

As you’ve probably gathered by now, Orthodox Jewish communities are far from homogeneous, and so while specific practices and norms vary by community, most people of an eligible age (think anywhere from 18 years old-early/mid 20’s) would start dating people with the help of a shadchan (matchmaker).  You begin the process by writing a “Shidduch Resume,” or a dating resume, with information as basic as your name, age, school you attended, parents names, etc., to information like if you hope to work full time or stay home or learn Torah full time, and personal insights like what your biggest strengths are, what are the most important values you want to instill in your children, and so on.

You are only set on up dates with someone for whom you’ve been deemed eligible with on paper (and beyond the paper- you have rabbis and mentors you trust involved in the process, vetting choices, talking to the matchmaker and other rabbis, before you even set foot on a first date).  Why all the leg work before the date?  In Orthodox Judaism, there’s not really a concept of casual dating.  You date for marriage, plain and simple.  It’s not about chemistry first and foremost; it’s about compatibility.  Once it’s been determined that you’re compatible, that you want the same things, that you have the same values, the same expectations for what your life will look like, then you check it out to see if there’s chemistry (and not the other way around).

Part of the thinking is that it will cause less heartbreak.  The whole idea of meeting someone and falling in love with them and then determining if you want the same things and can make it work- that’s very typical of what I see my friends doing outside of my Orthodox Jewish circles, but that’s about as counter as it gets to how dating is designed in Orthodox Judaism.

Once the resumes are approved by each others’ rabbis/mentors (these are both men and women) and then also approved by the couple in question, the first date happens.  This would also look very different from a secular date.  First of all, dates have to take place in public places.  There are Jewish laws which prohibit men and women from being in private who aren’t married (in my opinion, it was actually a super advanced, ahead-of-its-time policy to prohibit sexual harassment).  For this reason, “shidduch dates” (dates arranged by a matchmaker) typically take place in something like a hotel lobby.  It’s somewhere public, not over dinner, where a couple can really get to know each other and talk for hours.

The conversation is extremely to the point, none of this beating around the bush that you often see in American secular dating (you know what I mean- the whole “omg, I love you, you’re hilarious, we should totally get married, just kidding…” or the “what are we?” conversations or lack thereof).  Both parties on a shidduch date understand that they are there with one goal: to determine if they want to get married.  If the answer is no, that’s absolutely fine.  But “seeing where things go,” casually dating, or just having fun are not on the menu.  Dating is to find a spouse.  That’s just how it works.  Questions on the number of kids you might want, what your biggest weaknesses are and how you’re working on them, what you picture your home looking like, and so on are totally fair game.  These dates can last for many hours.

If you each decide to go on more dates, it gets serious very quickly.  Depending on the community, you might get engaged after just a few weeks to a few months of dating. In some communities, going on three dates means it’s serious; in others, 10 or more dates would definitely be the real deal.  It also varies by individual, but you get the idea.  Once engaged, you typically get married in a few months.  As mentioned in the Shomer Negiah section, you’re only supposed to touch for the first time at your wedding.